Working on Things

I can't lie, things have not been the easiest recently. Sometimes it's really hard to get past the looming Darkness that I feel follows me around. Even when there is an overwhelmingly large amount of good finding its way to me, I still feel the Darkness haunting me.

Life lately has been harder than usual for a million different reasons, but one stands out more than most: I've been honest with myself, my choices, and the consequences of my choices. Because of this, I've had to tell the truth to so many people I was afraid of losing. Turns out, every single one of them stayed. Except the one I need more than most. My very best friend in the entire universe, who understands me better than anyone ever has or ever will, and I are taking a bit of a break to figure out how to be best friends again. I know it sounds crazy, and that's because it is. Because it's all my own doing and my own fault, no matter what anyone tells me about other people being grown ups, being their own person with their own choices, etc. I know damn well this was entirely on me, myself, and I. 

I've hurt people before, sometimes willingly and sometimes not, too many times to count in my 30 years on this Earth. But this cuts so much deeper. Very clearly, I cannot share the more intimate details with the entire internet. But just know it's bad. I've hurt someone that means so much to me just to potentially find my own happiness, as it stands. This has been very hard to contend with, and I've been in so, so many therapy sessions trying to work on it. But, currently, we are not speaking to each other. We are on a no contact basis. However, we have talked twice in the last month - Once was a chance of fate that God clearly answered for me, and the second time was last night. 

I'm still mind boggled that he even called me. He was down bad yesterday afternoon, and he thought to call me. My heart soared knowing that he even wanted to share any life updates with me, let alone ones that were not all that great. Obviously, the call came from a sad, sad place. And that hurts me, too; knowing he's going through all of this, and I can't be there to fix it. Because if I was, I'd make it worse instead of better. That's a very hard pill for me to swallow. I've always been a fixer, a helper, a lover, a caregiver. But I can't be that for him right now, and of course I understand why, but that doesn't necessarily make it any easier for either of us. But, at any rate, he still called. And we still talked, even through that hardest parts. But we still laughed, even though we also cried. Well. I cried. I'm the crier. I always have been, and I fear I always will be. But I'm still a work in progress. So. 

Anyways, we talked and caught up for hours. So many hours that it actually cut into the movie showtime I was supposed to go to. But I didn't even care. I could have talked to him again until 3AM, if he let me. I would have. I still would have. But I know it's wrong, and I know we set boundaries for a reason. Unfortunately, I am that reason. But I do understand. 

Because the Big Bad Darkness has been looming lately, I've been trying to remember some more good.

I recently conquered a very, very big fear of mine and got on not one, but two planes, to fly out of state to see my childhood bestie. We had a layover, so I had to hop planes, and I was very afraid I wouldn't make it through due to the sheer anxiety and fear planes instill in me. But, I actually did the responsible thing and called my doctor who wrote me an emergency prescription for Xanex for the flights. We even strategically planned out when I would take them to ensure the best experience on the flights without becoming a comatose potato. I made it. I may have been completely drugged up, but that doesn't even matter to me. I made it. I did it. I know now that I can do it (with the help of the correct dosage of druggies, of course), so I can potentially do it again in the future. Not the near future, thank god. But I know I can now. I'm incredibly thankful to my doctor, but also myself and my own nerves for making it through. I even got some cool shots of the plane over some mountains on the way there, without freaking out or losing my mind. 

Flight Over Some Unidentified (To Me, Anyways) Mountain Ranges

For the first time since my mom passed, I got to see my best friend since the fourth grade. And in HER own element. She's in the PNW, which I've always wanted to see but couldn't afford to drive to and was afraid to fly. Turns out, with the right drugs, a girl can do anything. Which also means, I got to sight see like a tourist with one of my bestie pals. It may not have been for long because she worked so much while we were there, but I'd take that partial day over going months without her a million times over. I'm beyond thankful for my time with her, however short it may have been. It healed a very, very broken piece of my soul that has been slowly sinking ever since she moved away our junior year of high school. Obviously, obviously, we have always kept up with each other. We talk every single day in one way or the other, even if it isn't a full conversation. But, when she started traveling for work and we saw each other less and less after college when we became adults, it took such a big toll on the both of us. And, since then, so much has happened to the both of us. Breakups, makeups, loss, grief, everything in between. But she's always been there. When my mom passed, she flew to me immediately. She didn't second guess. There was not question. She hopped a plane and spent two full days with me. And, to be perfectly honest for once, I don't think I could have made it if she didn't. Losing my mom was something that wasn't just so hard and awful, it was also extremely unexpected. Considering we had spoken the day prior to her going to the ER, and everything seemed fine to me, we were all so baffled when things went downhill so quickly. Having her come to me after this happened meant more to me than I'll ever be able to explain in words to her, myself, and certainly the internet. She's always been my person. My better half. My partner in crime. My Day One. My Ride or Die. My every-possible-cliche-thing-you-can-ever-even-think-of. That's her. And it always will be. Not very many people can say that they have remained as close as they were in the fourth grade as 30 year olds. 

The Best Part of Me

I wouldn't be the woman I am without her. She means everything to me. Much like my other best friend who I am missing ever so dearly every waking moment of every single damn day. So, I'm trying to remember all the other good things that are going on to keep the Darkness at bay. And right now, that's remembering my sweet girl thousands of miles away. I just have to keep reminding myself that I have her, even if she's across the country from me. She's never more than a phone call away, and I have to keep telling myself that, even though I won't call her and bother her, because I still have that People Pleaser in me. But, don't worry. She does too. We're basically the same person. She's just a cooler, smarter, hotter, gayer version of me. I'd be lost without her. She's helped shape me in so many ways, I can't even begin to describe how far the two of us have come since meeting when we were just little kiddos. I'm thankful, I'm thankful, I'm thankful, I'm thankful. Sorry, that was more of a reminder for me than anything. I am blessed, no matter the rest of the circumstances. I'm thankful.

The PNW was beautiful in ways I never even imagined, and I'm so happy that I got to go, even if was a point of contention for a long time leading up to it. I'm still not, and never will be, thrilled or remotely happy about how it came about. But I can say that I'm happy it happened now that it's over. Everything was cool and foggy and just a little bit darker than the rest of the world. I felt like I fit right in. It was my constant state of mind and mood personified into a local. 

Beautiful Fall Weather All the Time
(Forever a Yeezy Girlie, & White Ones to Boot)

Everything there was just a little bit drab. Not in a dirty way, not in a bad way, and not in a dingy way. But in the most indescribably perfect way. While it never really rained while I was there, it felt like it could at any point. Every single place I went to, I saw the beauty in the darkness. Every market. Every store. Every person. Even though it was physically darker there (thanks, clouds), my Darkness didn't necessarily creep in until I was back in the hotel with my thoughts again. It's the most joy for the most amount of time I've felt in about a month now. And for that I am also thankful. I am thankful, I am thankful, I am thankful.

Pikes Place Market Was Astounding (& Overwhelming as all Hell)

Every place I visited was more beautiful than the last. The markets were incredible, even if I didn't buy much. The art alone was worth seeing. In the moment, I was living, and I was happy again. Even if it was brief, I am thankful.

Amazing Local Arist (I Will Credit Him Once I Find the Piece I Bought! Wait for an Update!)

Enough about the travels. I'm thankful for a lot of other things too. When I am down, and when I ask for help (because I'm trying to do that now! Wow!), I have a great team of humans to love me. I'm even more blessed to work with the majority of them so I can happily surround myself with their good energy even at work, which happens to be The Bad Place. I'm very thrilled to have some fantastic people around for when the Darkness crawls in. Because now they don't let me cancel plans and bail. They don't let me get down too far, if they can help it. They keep me "Checkable." I'm thankful, I'm thankful, I'm thankful.

Just Some Gal Pals at a Local Hockey Game

I even have great pets (for the most part, when they aren't destroying my home). I brought home a new (to me) kitten. He was lovingly adopted by some friends who were not able to keep up with him because their other cat just absolutely could not get along with him. I've decided I'll call him Butters, and I do love him with my whole heart. Just look at him. How could you not?

Everyone, Meet Butters

I'm thankful, I'm thankful, I'm thankful. Even when things are hard. I'm thankful for what I have, who I am learning I am -- Even when I'm not sure I like who that is yet -- who I will become, and who will come back to me in friendship and solidarity in the end. Hopefully. A girl can dream. And believe me when I say that I do. 

I'm thankful. I'm thankful. I'm thankful.

I'm blessed. I'm blessed. I'm blessed.

Until next time. Until we're ready.

Xo,

K.