Blog, Misc.

July 13, 2022 1538

Things have not been going well for some time. I have not been doing well for some time. I told myself - No, I promised myself - That I would write more. I wanted to write every single day. I told myself even if I only wrote a few words or a verse here and there, or even just worked on something that I had written previously, that would be enough and would help me get out of the void I felt like I was in. 

As anyone who is capable of finding this blog can see, I have not been writing every single day. Not for myself, not for others, and certainly not on this blog. While I have written since May 27th, I have not done so every day. I've only written a handful of times.

I've been feeling down recently. The month of July is a hard one for me, personally, each passing year. It does not ever seem to get better, only worse. Several years ago, I lost one of my very close friends to a drunk driving accident. It just so happened that we had the same birthday and frequently celebrated together. My birthday was this past week, and this week is my sister's birthday, as well. My sister was born prematurely well before I was even a thought. She only lived for ten days. Every July I go through a rollercoaster of emotions that not many people can understand except for those few friends and family members that were around for my parents and myself. It is a lot to handle and deal with in the month of July. While I normally don't celebrate my birthday due to this, this year has been a bit different. I have been in a lot darker of a place than I have been in recent years around this time. I'm not sure why or what changed. I just know that I'm not in a good place at the present time.

Today I sat down and focused on my feelings and picked up a pen for the first time in weeks. Today I wrote about my sister and how I miss her, but how missing her comes from an odd place considering that I never even got to meet her in the first place. I'll be adding it to the poetry section of my website, but wanted to get some words on the page today. For myself. For my sister. For everyone who has ever been so conflicted in their feelings and not known how to feel, what to think, or what to say. I feel you. I see you. I am you.

May 27, 2022 1449

Today has been hard. Today has been a lot of work, and I do not mean the writing type. It's been a rough day with my full time job -- very busy, not necessarily in a bad way -- and a rough day with my own mental health.

Since publishing this page, officially, just yesterday, I have found myself having the urge to write more. It's a lovely feeling, but it is also a bit cathartic. Writing is something I enjoy doing in my free time. But writing is also something I do to relieve stress and anxiety and to get my feelings on the page. 

Because of that, I am also a nervous wreck. I am so concerned and obsessed with this page and how well it is doing, when in reality, I have only shared it with a handful of people. While it would not be difficult to find this page online, as I have an incredibly unique name, I doubt that anyone in particular would be searching for it, aside from those who I have already shared the direct link with. 

But, I made a promise to myself: I WILL write. Every day. Whether it's published or not, I will write something every single day. Today, I chose to write in this blog and not with a pen and paper because I was too overwhelmed. 

Tomorrow is a new day and a new opportunity to start again. Tomorrow I will keep writing. I will keep writing every day. 

May 26, 2022 1522

Remembering the past an be hard. And not just difficult, but painful, even. Reliving memories, even the good, uplifting ones, can weigh heavy on your heart and mind. 

My lifelong - Or at least as long as I can remember - dream has been to write a book. No horror story, no love story. But, a biography and memoir of sorts. For a friend and for myself.

But the older that I get, the harder it is to find the words. It isn't the memories or the interviews and notes that are escaping me, it's the words. Rather than words, lately, I've been finding tears, scars - both old and new - and lots and lots of pain and hurt that I had tried to push down deep.

I'm still pushing through. I'm still trying. I won't ever stop. But it seems the longer I work on it, the more it hurts. The goal was always to write to escape the pain, not create more. But, I know that eventually I'll get there. I have to work on myself a bit more before I can continue this work, and that's okay. I know that I'll get there eventually. I'm just not there yet.

In the meantime, I plan to rework the memories I already have committed to paper. I'll do my best to put more down with paper and pen and transfer here. But today, May 26, 2022, marks the day that I finally start sharing my work. 

I have always wanted to share my words. They're words with purpose and always have been. I spent many years and many thousands of dollars studying this field, and the entire time shared very, very little with not only loved ones, but the world. That ends now. Today I start sharing every part of myself. As you'll see on my website, there are poems and works dated back as late as 2015. I started writing much, much earlier than this. But 2015 was when I started writing more professionally. I chose to start there and work my way forward. I am now up-to-date with what I am currently willing to share, and I will continue working forward to share more.

Thank you for your patience. Thank you for your support. And, most importantly, thank you for reading.