Something I have been working on really hard recently because I have been going through so much devastating loss recently is focusing on the good. Yes, a lot of bad things have transpired, and yes, I am grieving each and every one of them. But something I have learned through friends and therapy is that I cannot let them fully take me over. If I do, I get lost in the darkness, and I never want to do that again. I can't promise it won't happen, because it has before, but I am hoping to avoid it if at all possible.
Because of this, I am trying desperately to focus on all the good things in my life. A lot of this goes into my Keeping Checkable note that I share with a friend. But sometimes it's worth diving into a little bit deeper. For example, today was one of my WFH days, so I spent my morning working at my favorite coffee shop. I love it there, it brings me joy, the coffee and energy drinks and food are always phenomenal, and I love all the people that work there. It makes me happy. Do I need to "waste the money" on two drinks and some snacks all day on Tuesdays and Thursdays? Not particularly. But I allow myself to because of the joy it brings me, even when I start to feel that darkness creep in. This morning I woke up with an upset tummy and didn't want to get out of bed. I started my WFH day in bed checking and responding to emails on my phone because I didn't want to get up just yet. But, I did. I got up, I got dressed, I took our dog out and played with her, and I drove up to the pharmacy to get my Flu and COVID shots today. I did this for myself and my health, as well as for the health and wellness of all of those around me during cold and flu season. But right after I was done, I got straight down to business: I went to the coffee shop. I set up my work things, ordered a giant energy drink and a yogurt parfait, and I got right to work. I got so much accomplished there, all while throwing in my AirPods and listening to some of my favorite podcasters. When I accomplished everything on my to-do list, I ordered some lunch to go, went to visit my husband at work for a little bit, and came home to continue working and cleaning the house at the same time. I got so much accomplished today, both at work and at home.
These are the kinds of things I have to focus on. They may seem extremely small, but they are all so meaningful to me. For a while, I could barely get out of bed. My Keeping Checkable list was few and far between. I was unwell. Don't get me wrong, I still am deeply unwell. But focusing on all the good, no matter how small, has been so helpful to me. I've been letting our house get really out of hand with laundry (partially because we were waiting on a new washer and dryer) and dishes and cleaning. I kept telling my husband we'd "do it together tomorrow," knowing full well I wouldn't have the energy then either. I kept putting it off, he kept asking and offering to do it himself, and I kept saying no. So, today I came home after working for some time at the coffee shop, and I did the damn dishes. I actually did all the damn dishes. I did four loads of them. Each time I finished one, I carefully dried them and put them away before starting in on the next. It was tedious and it took a couple hours, but the feeling when I was done was so gratifying. I even reorganized our Tupperware pantry that has been a mess of chaos for about two years now (since my very sweet and kind and loving mother came to "take care of me" after my motorcycle accident a couple years ago and ever-so-lovingly attempted to put things away without understanding my system and left in such disarray I couldn't even look at it, so we just left it -- See, this is what I mean), and I took everything out, rinsed it, dried it, and reorganized it. It felt fantastic to get that done and over with. I feel like a new person, and that was one cabinet out of the many in our kitchen.
If I don't think of these small things as small victories, I may lose my mind and go crazy. So, I hope you won't mind, my dear readers that don't really even exist anywhere but in my mind, that you won't mind if these are some of the things that flow from my fingertips and directly into this blog going forward. Do not fear, I will always be grieving, and I will always be sad. That won't stop. And I'll never stop writing about it. However, I'm learning to intertwine the good things with the bad so I can hopefully live a bit more of a life outside of my intense pain and constant grief about so many losses in my life.
Follow along to see whether or not I crash out or if I can keep up with all the little goodies in life! Just kidding! ...Sort of.
And, just for fun, enjoy this silly little meme one of my coworkers sent me today:
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| It truly is the little things. |
Stay fresh, Cheese Bags.
Xo,
K.
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