I Have Friends in Low Places

I had such high hopes for today, so I should have known it'd be a major disappointment. Let me rephrase: I feel as though I am a major disappointment. 

Yesterday I was so looking forward to this entire weekend. And yesterday, and last night, I had the best time. I did end up going to one of my friend's houses for dinner. It was a fantastic time. We literally just talked and talked and talked and talked for hours. I was there for four hours, and the entire time we just did the Midwestern thing where we stood around her kitchen counter until we migrated elsewhere. I got to spend time with her, her three-year-old son, her best friend, her best friend's son, her two other, older, daughters, and her mom (who I LOVED). She made dinner for everyone. We played with her little kiddo outside. We hung around her living room while he played and watched Bluey. He loved on me, her friends and family loved on me, she loved on me. We all talked to each other for so long that I got a headache from trying to keep up with all of it, but it was the best and most worthwhile headache I have ever had. Just spending time with her and her tribe was so refreshing and enjoyable. It felt so nice to do nothing but hang around and put faces to names in a group of people I hadn't ever gotten to meet but knew so much about. Afterwards, I went to my best friends' house to spend the night with the two of them. We watched another of the many various Spider-Man movies we'd been flying through all week, stayed up super late, and had such a great time together. I finally got some restful sleep, some of the best I've had in literal weeks.

Even this morning started off surprisingly well. I woke up refreshed after a great night's sleep, showered, and started reading another (yes, I read several books at a time) new book on my Kindle while I waited for everyone else to wake up. Then, as planned, we went to the Romance Book Fair at my favorite local bookstore, Stacy's Book Rack! We had such a good time, we all spent so much money (#ShopLocal), got cool free stuff, and bought so many goodies! I even got to try a new dirty energy drink from a local pop-up called Boosters! It was the new Alani Nu Crisp Apple flavor with all these yummy extras mixed in. It was amazing!

Everyone go find Boosters! It was delicious! 

The day didn't start to go to shit until much later. My dad had previously asked me if I wanted to come over today to watch the first pre-season Bears game today, but I had told him I had these plans with friends and I'd see him Sunday afternoon for our regularly scheduled Dad Dinner. I had said this, not to be a butthole, but because he had assured me HIS best friend was coming over to watch the game with him. Much to my dismay, though, when I had texted him to check in today and talk about sports and remind him that I love him, he told me that his bestie wasn't coming over. He had too much to do today and the timing just wasn't going to work out for them today. It broke my heart immediately when my dad mentioned how sad he was that I wasn't there for the game. Then, it just kept going downhill from there. He got really depressed, we talked about it, then I got so nervous that he wasn't okay and that I wasn't there, and I went down on this deep, dark spiral that I just couldn't pull myself out of. After finally hearing back from him after nearly driving all the way there out of sheer fear (nobody worry, the man was just doing yard work and not paying attention to me), he texted me back and we talked some more. This, however, did not stop me from having a full blown sob-fest of a mental breakdown. At my friends' house. At. My. Friends'. House. 

Thankfully, though I often forget because I get so in my own head, I'm surrounded by love and kindness at all times. When I started having the beginning of my panic attack, I ran to the upstairs bathroom, shut the door, slid down to the floor, and tried to stifle my frantic sobs and slow my hectic breathing. As suspected, it didn't work, and I didn't have my hey-take-these-so-you-stop-freaking-the-fuck-out pills on me either. I sat there, alone on the cold tile of my best friend's bathroom, sobbing into my palm to keep quiet. I didn't want to ruin their days. I didn't want to let anyone know what was going on, other than that I was worried. 

Eventually, I did end up texting one of the two of them to come sit with me on the floor to try to calm me down. He came in, held my hand, talked to me quietly to get me to breathe through it, and did everything he could to make sure I felt safe. When I told him I didn't want his sister to see me like this, that I didn't want to freak her out or make her worry about me, he told me I should let her. I did, and I was so thankful to be so surrounded -- literally -- by love. They both sat on one side of me, they both held one of my hands, and they both told me repeatedly how much they love me. The two of them just sat with me and let me cry it out until I finally felt better and the panic slowed down. We probably sat like this for a good half hour. I'm so grateful to have people like them in my life. 

I often internalize everything because I'm always the one that takes care of everyone else. This usually means that I put myself, my feelings, my thoughts, my health, my everything on the back burner. I did this today until I nearly exploded. I don't let people take care of me because I take care of everyone else. It's days like today that remind me that I can't take care of anyone if I don't take at least a little bit of care of myself. If I don't let other people care for me even in the slightest, I start to lose myself to everyone else when they don't even ask for it. 

Today I let two of my favorite people take care of me (against my will, at first), and it was incredibly cathartic. I not only got to feel the love, mentally and physically, but I got to get all of the other pent up emotions I'd been holding in for whatever reason out in the open. 

Eventually we finished the Spider-Man movie we were watching, because yes, I had this Certified Menty B in the dead middle of a movie. I ate some popcorn. I talked to my husband. I went home, where I am sitting writing this right now. On the way home, I stopped and picked up a big fat BLT pizza from Happy Joe's (my favorite thing -- Midwesterners, IYKYK), and I just poured myself a nice glass of wine. I'm trying to make sure I write every day, like I've said before, because I really do think it has been helping. It's only been a few days, and I even missed one, and I feel lighter. Today was hard, but the second I came home, I knew I could sit down and type it all up. 

Overall, today sucked. Big time. I felt like a disappointment as a friend, a wife, and, most importantly, as a daughter. I've come a long way since I was shriveled up in a ball on my friends' bathroom floor, but I'm still hurting. Pizza is helping. Wine is helping. And my friends helped more than ever. I might feel like a big, stinky disappointment, but I'm trying to remember that I have plenty of people who are always trying to remind me I'm the opposite. Hell, even as I sit here writing this, my girlfriend I had dinner with last night is texting me to tell me that I'm a shining light in other peoples' lives. She constantly reminds me, just as a lot of my friends do, that they love me and I bring them joy. I'm really trying to focus on that. I have to. 

I'm eternally grateful to everyone who loves me, and I'm sorry I don't say that enough. I'm sorry I don't let anyone take care of me the way I take care of them, even though I should. I'm working on it. I promise. Thank you. To everyone. 

P.S. The Bears beat the Browns 34-10. Happy Preseason! Bear Down!

Xo, 

K